The Fat Bartender Slipped Something In The Crackhead's Drink!

I have noticed that Wednesday nights are always the most eventful. Forget the weekends! Wednesday nights are when all of the crazies come out and play. I am pretty sure that every Wednesday for the past several months I have kicked someone out of my bar or something really random has occurred. It's hilarious!

Like most Wednesday's, I walk in to work curious of what strange event will occur that night. I am a little apprehensive and slightly paranoid. Typically, I run through random scenarios in my head. What will I do if someone walks in with a gun asking for money? What do I do if a person leans over the bar and attempts to hit me? Well, I most definitely feel sorry for them. This Wednesday I wasn't expecting to have four cop cars, a fire truck, and an ambulance outside of my bar.

Around eleven that night, a very peculiar woman walked through the threshold and checked her sanity at the door. She had jet black hair, olive skin, and scars all over her face. Let's call her "Bonnie". Like most people, Bonnie seemed to be escaping something. She just seemed like she had a long day like the rest of my bar patrons and needed a drink. Ms. Bonnie ended up ordering a seven and seven while staying alone and quiet at the end of my bar. I stayed clear of her end because it was obvious that she just wanted to be left alone. Of course that all changed when our lovely bar regular, Michael, decided to invite her into his group for conversation. Instinctively, I watched that group closely.

Michael is a middle aged father of two. He seems to be a wealthier individual, and very polite. However, I do believe he fights his demons every single day. There is still a twenty year old frat boy stuck in his small aging body. Because of those demons, he is in the middle of a very nasty divorce and sticks around the bar for extensive amounts of time. Joining his table, there is Guy and Sam.

Guy is the self proclaimed poet, a retired English teacher, and is as confused about life as a fourteen year old going through puberty. I have seen his work, and quite frankly, I am glad I never had him for English. Like Michael, he battles his demons. His wife and him still live in the same house together, in separate wings, of course. Hell, I doubt they have been in the same bed for at least fifteen years. He avoids home by pulling binges at his favorite neighborhood bar while arguing with me over what should be played on the juke box.

Sam is an interesting character. I honestly don't know too much about him. He is quite comical, drinks Miller Lite, and has poor taste in music. I enjoy his company, though. Sam always makes me laugh because he makes fun of his friends just as much as I do, if not more. He always approaches the bar with a new pickup line. My job is to rate the line. For example, "Do you have a keg in your pants? Because I want to tap that ass!" Hilarious.

As the guys continue to talk to Bonnie, I notice her get a little abrasive with them. I do know for a fact that they can be a little too pushy and personal, and she was probably a little uncomfortable. I let it slide. I then notice Bonnie get up to go to the bathroom. In the mean time, the guys approach me and continue to tell me how crazy this woman is. No shit! That's why I have been watching all of you guys like a hawk.

 Bonnie then exits the bathroom as a whole different person. She staggers from the bathroom with her hair in her face and her big black scrunchy around her left wrist. Bonnie looked like the weird chick from "The Ring". She sits next to Guy and starts to hit him. Guy then politely asked her to stop hitting him, but she is persistent. Bonnie then decides to hit him even harder and Guy raised his voice. "I am not a gentleman! I will hit your ass back." I then step in.

Like all bartenders, I give Bonnie the "look". I am pretty sure that everyone has received the "look" at least once from a bartender. It is the "I mean business", "Don't mess with me", "I will snatch your ass so quick" look. With the "look", I tell her she needs to go. Of course she wanted to give me a hard time. I wouldn't expect it any other way. After all, what is the fun in that? Bonnie tries to insult me by saying "You are fat and ugly!". Ouch, that hurt. I really do wish people had more clever insults. I walk her to the end of the bar and see her out. Naturally, I do it with such class! I cuss her out every step of the way (I blame my dad for my potty mouth).

Once she is out the door, I continue my business. I pour a beer here, and I make a shot there. In rolls in two kids from the gym down the parking lot. They tell me there is a woman screaming for 911 while in the fetal position in the middle of my parking lot! As a bartender, you are stuck with two options: 1) Ignore it. She's out the bar and is no longer your problem. OR 2) Call 911. She may be overdosing. Thanks to my wonderful morals, I call 911. The police, ambulance, and fire trucks all arrive and she could hardly get a full sentence out. Initially, they wanted to pin me for over serving her. I informed the officials that she had one drink while sitting in my bar. I then described the bathroom transformation which clearly indicates drug use. According to Bonnie,
"the fat bitch behind the bar" gave her a roofie. Case solved! The fat bartender slipped something in the crackheads drink! That would be a very interesting headliner. Hell, I will title this blog post just that.

Once the cops leave with Bonnie in tow, I then check the bathroom. Sure enough, there were blood drippings by the sink. Ms. Bonnie shot something up. I win!

Dan The Music Man

While thinking of the subject of this entry, I couldn't help but realize that there are a lot of awesome regulars at my bar. I keep wanting to say "one of my favorites" when referring to them. Its pretty nice, really. I am incredibly spoiled. Not only do I make a lot of money, but I also have funny and amazing stories to tell. Thank you, regular bar patrons, for giving me a roof over my head and a hobby to work on while sipping my morning roast.

Dan the Music Man is another of my favorite bar patrons. He has this aura about him that makes anyone feel at ease. Dan's perspective on most things in life is so open and real. I am sure what he was able to accomplish in his prime had a lot of affect on his personal theory on life.This guy is definitely someone that I would want to smoke a joint with. Currently, Dan is an electrician by day and a Miller Lite drinker by night. I believe he lives in a cabin off of one of the lovely lakes that surround this fabulous city of ours. That's where he probably smokes a lot of pot and plays the guitar underneath the stars.

Dan has such an incredible story. I had no idea of his past until other bar patrons told me the wonderful history of him.When Dan was eighteen, he was the best local guitar tech. He worked shows at the Municipal Auditorium, The Strand Theatre, and the Hursh Colosseum. If a band came to Shreveport, Dan was the go to guy. One day while sitting with his parents for dinner, Dan received the phone call that changed his life forever. It was someone in Los Angeles asking him to hop on a flight that departed in two hours and come to California to tour with one of the biggest rock and roll bands in the world. They wouldn't tell him who over the phone. Without hesitation, Dan packed up his bags and was on the next flight to Los Angeles, California. Once arriving there, he discovered that he was going to be a roadie for LED ZEPPELIN. I bet he didn't regret hopping on that plane!

Dan the Music Man was on tour for twenty years. He had the privilege to be the guitar tech for Zeppelin and several other big name bands. Dan was surrounded by fame, music, girls, and lots and lots of drugs. For a young buck from Shreveport, Louisiana, that is quite the accomplishment. Hell, it makes for an awesome story. After having an amazing life on the road, he then decided to come back home. Dan trained to be an electrician, got married, and started to finally live a low key life. When I was told that story, my jaw hit the floor. The really timid, sweet Dan was a roadie?! Hell yea.

My mission was to get Dan the Music Man to open his mouth and tell me his story. After accomplishing that, I made myself a new buddy. He is a great person to discuss life theories, music, and fashion. Now, I can't get the dude to shut up! Its awesome. Currently, he is a single man desperate for love. Unfortunately he has been down on his luck when it comes to love. Women keep breaking his heart. Dan is definitely the type of man I would date if I were twenty years older. He is very attractive, well spoken, polite, and was a roadie! Also, he is STD free, which seems to be rare from people in his generation. I try to keep him in good spirits, and it seems to be working. That man deserves the best of everything. He has such a wonderful, pure soul. I'd date him if I was in the age bracket!